Dear Resident,

Welcome to St. Augustine’s Home for the Technologically Challenged (SAHTC!).

Here at SAHTC, you are not “beyond hope” — as the ungrateful offspring who have left you here insist — but a work in progress! Our young and patient staff are guaranteed never to roll their eyes or sigh in exasperation because you cannot do “such a simple thing” with your laptop or smartphone. We at SAHTC offer round the clock care and guidance for all our valued residents.

At SAHTC, we offer a range of courses to keep your brain active and your minds connected to the little brats who left you in a nursing home because you are becoming obsolete. We guarantee at least a basic proficiency in all things technological within one month, (with regular attendance of five courses a week). Please see below for our class schedule and sign up as soon as possible to secure your place!

Courses

Skype

  • Level 1: Setting up an account
  • Level 2: “You’re more than just the top of your head” – how to adjust your camera

 Email

  • “Hotmail is not a place in Florida” – how to access your email from anywhere without calling your daughter in the middle of the night
  • Alternate course: “Gmail is not a gangsta rapper”

 Smartphones

  • Positioning your phone: stop sounding like you’re in a tin can far way
  • Positioning your phone, level 2: stop shouting

 Photography

  • “You’ve sent me forty pictures of nothing”: how to use your front-facing camera
  • “You’ve taken a photo of your eyeball”: how to use your rear-facing camera

Your device is not broken

  • Level 1: Did you try charging it first?
  • Level 2: Are you sure it’s on?

 Supplemental courses

  • “Where are my glasses?” (This is a “quick bite” course as they are on top of your head)
  • “Why did I come into this room?” (Also available to non-residents age 28 and up – invite your children!)

Advanced courses

  • Identifying credible news sources online, such as Not Facebook
  • Let me google that for you
  • Chain emails: how to avoid a painful death and/or the apocalypse despite not forwarding these on to 15 people
  • Using appropriate acronyms: LOL is not an appropriate comment under a death notice, it does not mean “Lots of Love”
  • Removing shortcuts from your desktop is not “deleting the internet”
  • Instagram: we will prepare you for how to use this app once it has been opened up to your age group
  • Snapchat: we don’t know what this is either

With a little time and patience, you’ll be proficient in butting in to your grandchildren’s online conversations, leaving embarrassing comments under your son’s boss’ postings, uploading photos your children did not want exposed and sharing family secrets to the wider universe.

If you have any questions or special needs, please dial the 1 888 number listed in your directory from the landline in your room.

We wish you a wonderful stay at St. Augustine’s and hopefully those ungrateful wretches you call children will appreciate the effort you are making to be involved in their paltry little lives.

Best,
Betty Jones, Your SAHTC administrator

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